Truth Is (or Lessons from a Funeral)

It’s just that I’ve been a little afraid. Afraid to break into the darkness of the silent space; afraid to be transparent. But I’m also afraid to stay quiet, afraid to keep everything locked. This is my first crack of light in a long time; patience is appreciated.

There was a funeral today. And I did my job; I was responsible, professional. But on the inside, I wasn’t feeling patient or kind or forgiving. I was feeling weary. I was feeling empty.

There was a funeral today. And I sang the song they asked for.

“Truth is I’m tired.
Options are few.
I'm trying to pray,
But where are you?
I'm all churched out,
Hurt and abused.
I can't fake…
What's left to do?”

There was a funeral today.

I wish I had a good answer when people ask me how I’m doing. I wish I didn’t have these seasons of grief and uncertainty. I wish I made all the right decisions, all the time. I wish, sometimes, that I didn’t feel pain in the ways I feel it. Or didn’t carry other people’s pain quite so closely to my own heart. It feels jagged, it cuts, it hurts.

But then there was this funeral, and they asked me to sing that song.

“Truth is it's time
To stop playing these games.
We need a word
For the people's pain.
 So Lord speak right now.
Let it fall like rain.
We're desperate.
We're chasing after you.”

When did I stop chasing? When did I stop listening and learning and loving with an honest heart? An open heart? When did I start accepting silence – expecting silence?

This was a hard season. Harder than I expected; harder than I think I even knew. Slowly, bit by bit, I numbed it. I denied my grief or hurt or disappointment. I deflected, evaded, isolated. But my bones felt it. Can you see? My bones felt it; that aching in joints that yearn for peace, for rest – for real rest.

Then today brought fresh tears, new heartbreak. And I can’t keep silent… but I have no words. Maybe just that tune, a song to ride the winds of change and grief and time.

And so there will be another funeral. For a friend who believed in me, in all of us. One who saw it all, pain and peace and grief, but didn’t keep silent. And I will miss him. The fire will be cooler without him, but the call was stronger because of him. And the song will forever speak deeply of this season.

“Take me to the King.
I don’t have much to bring.
My heart is torn to pieces,
It’s my offering.
 Lay me at the throne.
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory,
And sing to You this song.”

My love & gratitude rest with you friend.