Spoken word

Note: As a result from the combination of watching too much "Brave New World" (slam poetry) and working to break through this writer's block.... my most recent attempt at a new post very quickly gained rhythm and rhyme. It is somewhat without the same meaning when it is written and not spoken, but I'm still posting it as proof that I have in fact been trying to write.

Inside me is the small and tiny truth that speaks out to why I live like this.

Because I feel like this.

Because maybe I think I deserve this.

A space so cluttered with garbage and trash and dirt that it makes my head spin

and physically forces me out before I’m ever really in.

That small and tiny voice has become my daily enemy and I’m fighting.

Fighting to keep my sanity and my spirituality.

Today I am going to begin to listen to that voice more carefully

and recognize its cry for help.

The crying out to help myself

out from under this mess where I’ve stored myself.

I will remember to listen to me,

to be a friend to me,

to be the life I was created to be.

I will see God’s child in me and not God’s enemy.

I will clean and wipe and sanitize and take time out from other, lesser things.

Things I do to earn my place but have become just time I waste.

I will write and dream and think out loud,

unashamed of what comes out

because who I am is good enough.

Who I am is strong enough and smart enough.

And who I am is made of tougher stuff.

Who I am will listen to me

and be that friend to me.

That small and tiny place will be erased

and I will rise up,

rise above and love the me in me.

I will learn again to know the truth and see

that I am not God’s enemy.

I will forgive and see that what I have, I am,

God’s child in me.

I will embrace and love and see that who I am, whose I have come to be:

God’s child in me and not God’s enemy.

SWF Seeking Self

Has it really been TWO MONTHS since I wrote an entry? ...I am shamed. It'd be appropriate to say life's been crazy and all that, but it's not really an honest excuse. I just haven't been taking much time out for things like self-expression and introspection. For that I actually am ashamed. And the toil it's taken on my life and my body and my surroundings is bad, bad, bad.

I read an article recently that talked about speaking self-affirmations everyday and have decided I might take it up: "I am responsible. I deserve a good life." It was surprisingly difficult to come up with the shortest line(s) that would encompass the most. Really I was thinking about the mess in my house and was trying to come up with a positive, affirming way of saying: "Stop being an irresponsible pig." That is definitely not affirming. Anyway, we'll see how it works out.

What I am NOT feeling these days is empowered. I seem unable to accomplish things or maybe just unable to acknowledge the few things I do accomplish. In conversations, I've done some complaining of post-holiday blues, which is probably true. Although, I doubt if it's the only thing that's going on. It mostly goes back to the lack of spending time with me.

One of my current favorite movies is Sex and the City, which will always have a special corner of my heart because of the amazing times I've spent with girlfriends watching episode after episode. Towards the end of the movie [spoiler alert!] Samantha breaks up with Smith and gives as a reason the thing that "you're never supposed to say." She's been in a great relationship with him for a number of years, but she's been in a relationship with HER for much longer and THAT is the one that needs work.

I guess that's how I feel right now -- that I'm neglecting myself in a pursuit for something "else" or worse, for nothing at all. If I weren't kind of stuck being me, I would definitely break up with me.

This isn't the tone that I usually choose for this blog, but I figured putting down what's going on right now is some small piece of an explanation for the gap in entries. Maybe I'll buckle down and write something with purpose soon. Stay tuned!

Psalm 78

O my people, hear my teaching; listen to the words of my mouth. 

I will open my mouth in parables, I will utter hidden things ... things from of old--what we have heard and known, what our fathers have told us.

We will not hide them from their children; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD, his power, and the wonders he has done.